Cushioned Routine

Before I wrote about pinpointing my difficulty with handling exceptions to my routine, I looked carefully at my routine and found it to be "good enough." I gauge my routine by simple standards.

Does it reflect our goals, both short-term and long-term? As a Catholic family, our ultimate goal is clear; our eyes are fixed on heaven. All of our little goals need to point us there. Our routine needs to point us there. For us, it needs to be structured enough to encourage our highest values and priorities and it needs to be flexible enough to handle God's surprises and tests.
Does it reflect our values and priorities? Fortunately, our values and priorities have remained steady for years. We teased them out over several years before we returned to the Faith then refined, and continue to refine, them within the Faith. Here is how I wrote about our priorities in 2006 and later that year.

Is it proportionate? This is often where our family needs to make adjustments. As a home educating family, there is always the temptation to make home educating more than it needs to be. The perfect math program? Doesn't exist, although Math-U-See is good enough. The perfect Advent preparation? Doesn't happen, although tried and true traditions help. The perfect craft? Now THAT would be a miracle in this house! Field trips galore? Once a month, or less, is doable. Child doesn't "get it?" Time is on our side. Spiritual experiences? Over-rated, we just need to stick with the Little Way. We know we need to keep it simple. Master skills, such as math, playing music, and foreign language, through regular practice. Build broad knowledge through story, discussion, and experience. Read books. Listen to music. Play CDs while driving. Go outside and pay attention to nature.

Is it clearly communicated? It needs to be written down, continually updated, and placed in an accessible place for reference.

Is it flexible and does it provide an ample cushion to absorb the unexpected and unplanned? For example, my waking time is between 6:00 and 8:00 a.m., depending on if I slept well the night before. If I'm up all night with a vomiting child, then I can rise at 8:00 a.m. and not panic that I didn't rise at 6:00 and lost two productive hours. We have "quiet alone" time most afternoons from ~2:00 - 4:00. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings have no ongoing commitments. Sundays are for rest, Mass, and enjoyable family time. These times can be used to absorb the unexpected yet we need to take care not to choose to put too much into these times.

Here's our current schedule:

Discipline During Exceptions

After I read, A Mother's Rule of Life, I wondered about personal discipline and exceptions to the rule. It does take discipline to set up a rule and to live it day in and day out. Yet, does this mean that when exceptions to the rule happen, it necessarily shows a lack of discipline? Or is there a way to grow in personal discipline through exceptions?

When I look at how I spend my time, it falls into three categories; my routine, exceptions to my routine, and crisis. Regardless of how strict or fluid my routine is, there will always be exceptions and crisis. In order for me to avoid being vulnerable to undo surprise, resentment, and anxiety in reaction to these events, it makes sense and brings me peace to have a plan for the unplanned.

I need to have a routine that has enough cushion to absorb exceptional events. Whether my current routine is fabulously fluid or necessarily connected to the clock, I need to have spaces that are down-time or readily able to catch unplanned events. Currently, most of our afternoons are loose, as are Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings, and Sundays.

I need to keep track of exceptional events. I can't let myself move mindlessly from one event to the next. I can't just check the chaos off of my calendar or to-do list and call it a day. Just because I've managed to make it through a doctor's appointment, phone call from my loved one, and teen heart-to-heart, all in one day happily, doesn't mean that I haven't expended energy that will need to be replenished.

I need to know how many exceptional events I can tolerate within a day and week. Currently, I can handle up to three exceptions to my day. If I hit four or more, my energy is depleted to the point where I am unable to be the woman I know God wants me to be. I become edgy, short-tempered, quick to direct and correct, weepy, defeated, and worse.

Exceptional events that I control, I need to schedule them patiently over time. When I have a list of exceptional things to be done, like getting a new air conditioner, fixing the garage door, and hiring a pest control company, my inclination is to do it all as quickly as possible to get it off my list. Wrong. I need to look at my week and plug in one per week, max. This means that it will take weeks, perhaps months, for me to get around to fixing my ice machine, sigh.

Exceptional events that I don't control, I need to accept. Sounds simple but boy do I fight this one. I get stuck in wishing they didn't need to happen, like the many medical appointments connected with an 8 year old's broken nose.

I need to communicate to my loved ones when I am getting close to my limit. Fortunately, my children are not overwhelmed. It is understandable that they don't see all of the exceptional events in my day and don't understand how they can overwhelm me. My husband has a very full and demanding job which keeps him from knowing the tedious details of the stressors in my day to day work. It is up to me to let them know, before I am completely overwhelmed, that exceptional events are piling up for me. I can tell my children to not ask for any exception to our routine today because we've already had three. I can tell my husband that I need to not make a decision about purchasing a vehicle today because I've already had to deal with four exceptional events today.

To this end, I have a nifty pipe cleaner and bead tally system that has served me well. In the above picture, you can see it located on our family message board. Below is a close-up.



Starting on Sunday, all of my beads are on the left side. As the day proceeds, I keep track of exceptions (remember, these can be awful or lovely events, but they weren't planned or happen irregularly.) I leave a space between each day of the week. The example above shows that I had a pretty rough Sunday, with four difficulties. This let the whole family know to go easy on me this week because Sundays are normally my big rest and renew day. Ideally, I won't have over twenty beads per week.

Want some examples of what "gets a bead" from me?...

Long distance phone call from a friend (lovely)
Two-year old vomiting (blech)
Purchase a new vehicle (big decision)
Mother and father arrive for their winter stay (yea!)
Child is caught in a big mistake (discouraging)
Air conditioner takes two days to install instead of one (oh bother)
Medical appointments for son's broken nose (good news at least!)
Sleepless night with two-year old (poor guy)
Get blinds installed (a week early...good once it was over)
Difficulty at Mass (sometimes irreverence just gets to me)
Grief (suprised by when and how much I need to stop and remember my loss)

The beads are a concrete and simple way to help me and my loved ones *see* where I'm at. They are beginning to understand that even when something wonderful in their eyes happens, it may still take energy from me. They are better able to see that just because I'm smiling and putting up a good front, doesn't mean that I'm not taxed. The beads have also given us a verbal short-hand. All I have to say is, "That's a bead," when an exception to our routine happens. I appreciate anything that discourages me from monologuing! We can also describe the dynamic of one difficulty snowballing into another by calling it, "double beading." This means that if I get on the phone with a friend who needs to talk, the children are to continue with their work. If they don't, that's another bead because we hadn't planned for them to not do work. Double-beading is when the beads really start to add up.

For me, it takes discipline to handle exceptions to my routine well. Knowing that I am growing in discipline through exceptions helps me to see them as a purposeful part of my vocation. Plus, the beads and pipe cleaner sorta make me look crafty:).

A Very Content and Happy Life

Last week, I watched a ten minute video about, and in the words of, Johnny Farese. I was struck by his credibility, transparency, and clarity, among other beautiful things. I was especially struck by his description of his life as being very content and happy. Content and happy...

My dad retired a few years ago and lives a happy and content life. He married my mom when they were both nineteen and has been content with his wife for over forty years. He worked as a skilled laborer to provide for his family, not to gain any personal prestige or status, and has been content to hang out with hard working (and incredibly funny) men all these years. He and my mom have lived in the same home since I was eight, content with one bathroom and the two-car garage he finally built for himself a few years back. He worked hard for his money and is content to spend it without much fuss.

Being content has nothing to do with being slothful or lazy and everything to do with being grateful and accepting hardship and suffering. When I look at Johnny and my father, I see two very hard-working men. They work hard within the container of their values and with what they control. Within this container is excellence. They are grateful for their lives, their opportunities, and their loved ones. They can see past limitations, and even more, to see good within their limitations. And there is suffering and sacrifice and disappointment. Yet, the pain somehow magnifies the good, bringing happiness.

Our family wants contentment. Without contentment, we are dissatisfied, entitled, grumpy, and unhappy, and all of this wreaks havoc on relationships. What helps foster contentment? Looking at Johnny and my dad, we can start by working hard toward excellence within our values and abilities and in order of our priorities. We need to be grateful for what we have, live within our means, and protect ourselves from outside sources that undermine our contentment. We also need to delay our gratification and suffer, understanding that this is purposeful and by God's design. We can also pray for contentment. I think that as with other mysterious commodities, there is an aspect of contentment that is a gift from God. Contentment is connected to the gift of faith and to the Peace that passes understanding.

I pray for a very content and happy life for all those I love.

The Gift of a Day in Bed

I spent the day in bed today because my body was exhausted. The last few weeks have strung together an amazing fullness of life, to include working on a big project, caring for my son's broken nose, and mentoring my teen through a difficult time. Under normal circumstances, my routine acts as the glue that holds me together. Daily I strive to pray well, eat well, rest well, take my vitamins, the whole routine. My routine is a form of discipline and I do see it as my responsibility to make sure that I don't get too depleted, that I protect my time, and that I care for myself in the midst of family life. Most of the time, staying on top of my care daily is enough. Most of the time.

After several weeks of unusual and purposeful action on my part, well fueled by the Holy Spirit (Thank You!), my body was bound to meet it's natural point of depletion. I was flying through this time with a physical energy that was not my norm, and I knew it. When days turned into weeks and I was still going strong, I thought I got away with something! Then last night, my husband returned from being out of town, took the children to their practices, and left me alone at home. Oh, how rare it is for me to be home alone! My mind naturally went to my ever-growing to-do list and the hole I felt dug into from the past wild weeks. My body, however, had different plans. I rested on the couch and watched the World Series until my family returned then I went to bed. Very unusual.

Today I was blessed with a rare day of no medical appointments, no outside lessons, no outside classes, no outside commitments. My normal Friday routine is filled with home-based work and the to-do list. I bucked my own system and stayed in bed. My children assured me that they would hold down the fort, and they did. They even went above and beyond the call of duty by making me breakfast in bed (scrambled eggs, home-made sausage, toast, and honey crisp apple slices,) lunch in bed (chicken salad with capers and sun-dried tomatoes sandwich and orange slices,) and hauling drinking water to me like I was a wilted plant. They kept the house quiet while I napped, twice. I prayed and read and the day flew by like a luscious dream.

By five o'clock, I felt so much better. I felt like my body was finally "caught up" with my positive thoughts and feelings. I felt so good that the children and I made a nice dinner for my husband, enjoyed it with him, then sent HIM to bed. I folded clothes while watching a movie with the children and now I'm off for a walk. I'm optimistic that this day was well spent, not only in energy gained, but in problems avoided. Tomorrow will be here soon and I'll need to get back to my routine. I'll keep this gift of a day in bed in mind for the future, and I'll pray that my mothering friends and family will find themselves with the opportunity to accept the gift as well.

After Miscarriage

Three months ago I suffered a miscarriage for the first time. I became aware of my pregnancy at 5 weeks and aware of our loss at 14 weeks, which gave our family 9 weeks of earthly togetherness with baby Catherine. These weeks looked much like the first weeks of our other four pregnancies. They were filled with surprise and joy, nausea and fatigue, re-grouping and anticipation. Abruptly after her loss, my family and I were plunged into a surreal time and place of bittersweet mystery.

The main new lesson that I have learned is that I am still, and always will be, Catherine's mother, but at first I was dumbfounded. I didn't know how to continue in my role as mother for her. I no longer needed to eat, drink, and rest for her. I didn't need to see my midwife for her. I didn't need to plan and prepare for her coming. All I could do was pray.

Much to my surprise, relief, and joy, I am learning how to be the mother of a saint. In many ways, what I do now is what I did with my children on earth. Our relationship is growing over time through conversation and prayer. I find myself talking up to heaven to her where in the past I would talk to the baby in my growing belly. I have dreams about her as I had dreams about her siblings. She is included in family conversation yet instead of talking about our anticipation of her being with us on earth, we talk about striving to join her in heaven. We ask for her intercession and through this and more, our relationship and unity grows.

My desire to hold Catherine in my arms is beyond description. I still cry for all that was lost. Yet I cannot deny all that has been gained for me, for our family, and for Catherine. I have gained the joy of being the mother of a saint. Our family has gained another member to help lead us to heaven. Catherine has life, full and complete, by our intent to baptize her, through Christ in heaven.

Have you not read ' I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob?' He is not the God of the dead, but of the living.

Matthew 22:31-32

Lord, I thank you for blessing me with children and the promise of eternal life. Please bless those who have suffered loss through miscarriage, especially those who do not receive the fullness of consolation found in the Catholic faith. I ask this through the intercession of our little Catherine. Amen.

Craft Ease

I try not to let my craft-impaired self deny my children the opportunity to do crafts. I don't always succeed. When I do, though, the children and I feel great after our craft time is complete. For me, a craft must:

Need little to no adult preparation.
Involve the children actively from start to finish.
Use inexpensive and readily available material.
Be easy to individualize.
Have a satisfying process and product.
Be quick and easy to do and clean up.

Today we did some simple paper weaving . We also did this complete the picture craft with pictures of wildlife.

Vacation Tips

One of the great perks of knowing how to be together as a family is that when you are REALLY together, I mean, stuck in a teeny tiny van together for a six hour drive and a teeny tiny room upon arrival, you already know some ways of getting along that are firmly planted. You also have no grand illusions of how easy and relaxing this will all be.

Tip 1: Plan but don't over plan.

Often one parent is the primo planner while the other is the, um, less than primo planner. What the primo planner may not know is that the under-planner may be onto something. Over-planning not only expends a ton of energy before a trip, but it can set expectations too high and thwart flexibility and spontaneity upon arrival. The best way to not over plan is to focus less on planning a tight schedule, and plan based on family priorities.

Tip 2: Identify family priorities.

We had a brief meeting a few days before our trip and talked about what we liked about past vacations and what we didn't like. We listed everything that anyone liked. Then we talked about what "vacation" means to each of us. Some of us love lots of activity, some of us like to sleep in, some of us like an orderly room, some like to eat great Italian food (that's me!) Don't forget to fill in what your littles will like to do...sleep, play undisturbed, not be dragged to too many activities, etc. From this list we chose our favorite activities to be placed on the calendar later.

Tip 3: Staying within a budget.

We talked about costs honestly before the trip and about how much we would like to spend. We got creative and found online coupons for some amusements and purchased a 2007 Entertainment book on sale cheap at Entertainment.com but you can also get them at Ebay - coupons good through Nov. 1 2007. We decided that somethings just weren't worth the money while others were.

Tip 4: Bring meals.

Bringing our own meals saves a ton of time, decisions, and money while our own food keeps our stomachs from acting out and helps us appreciate our few meals out. We keep it simple. Granola or muesli (soaked grains) and yogurt and fresh fruit for breakfast. These are easily eaten while driving. Carrot sticks or tortilla chips for snacks. Sandwiches (loaves of bread, deli meat, tomato, bagged salad, mayo and Italian dressing) or bean burritos (tortillas, pepperjack cheese, canned refried beans, and salsa) for lunch or dinner. We also purchased stuff for grilling while we were there. By the time we went out to eat (with solid recommendations and coupons in hand) let me tell you, everything was tasting really good!

Tip 5: Feast.

Bring lots of treats that you don't usually have. For us this means sweets and entertainment DVDs. We brought marshmallows and toasted them after grilling one meal. We brought hot chocolate and put in marshmallows (I'm noticing a pattern here.) We purchased a box of local chocolates while there. We chewed gum - while in the van - probably won't do THAT again. We purchased ice cream cones (with coupons) and cannolis (without coupons because they are SO worth it!) And we ate gourmet jelly beans...which leads me to...

Tip 6: Carry on traditions.

Somewhere along the line years ago I brought a bag of gourmet jelly beans on a long drive with the family. We turned the jelly beans into a game called "Name That Jelly Bean." One person looks at the jelly bean and hands it to another family member. That member isn't supposed to look (but they do) then eat it and try to figure out the flavor. One of the reasons some of us look is because no one wants to get stuck with "buttered popcorn." Some children think it is hilarious to stick their sibling with a "buttered popcorn." Oh the groans from the recipient and the howling of laughter from the rest of us - I mean them:). Anyway, now we have this tradition. We simply can not go on a long ride without the gourmet jelly beans. Look for and foster your own traditions. They tend to create themselves. By the way, my favorite jelly bean is cinnamon.

Tip 7: Fill in a calendar, loosely.

Take your favorite activities and place them on the calendar with enough cushion to absorb changes of plans. We find it easiest to stay at a place that is fun in and of itself. We are blessed to be able to stay at a military hotel on the beach. Being on the beach was our daily activity, then each day we would go out once either for a meal or for an additional activity. This was plenty.

Tip 8: Let the baby sleep.

Sleep is good for every one, especially little ones. And a well-rested little one is key to having a pleasant vacation. Make time for sleep and value it.

Tip 9: Keep discipline.

Parents, me included, tend to want to "relax" and "not parent" so much and "let the kids relax" and "have a good time" but the bottom line is that parents need to parent in order for all to have a good time. Since our older children are mostly cooperative, we brought two easy tools with us. We asked them to sit out from an activity until they were under control or we charged them money. Now before you think "How lame is that to charge kids money for lack of cooperation?" my kids were the ones who came up with this idea! And it worked. It only had to be used once in the van when two boys who shall go unnamed started doing the ole pushing and shoving "he's in my space" thing. Peace for a buck. Not bad.

Tip 10: Pray all prayers first!

We noticed that when we vacation, we don't stick to our whole daily prayer routine. We mean too but we miss something here or there. This trip, we said ALL of our daily prayers (yes, morning prayers, afternoon prayers and evening prayers) first thing in the morning. We either went for a walk on the beach and prayed them or we prayed them in the van on the way to an outing. I was reluctant at first to do this, worried that we would be irreverent or worse, but it was beautiful. There was something pretty powerful about such extended prayer, something rhythmical and enveloping. Plus, we didn't feel worried all day that we might "forget."

Our recent vacation was voted as the best yet by all family members. There was just enough rest and activity, plain food and fun food, nature and glitz, silliness and serious conversation, order and spontaneity, and prayer to meet each one's needs. Plus it was within our budget and I had excellent eggplant parmigiana and two different cannolis. Now, that's a vacation.

I Came to Delete My Blog...

...and decided not to. How funny!

So much in blogging has changed since I wrote my first post. Mainly, an amazing blogging community has flourished. A long time ago I realized that I wasn't going to fit into the blogging community. This isn't because I'm not welcome, but because I'm not devoted to building community in this way. I'm not able to participate in the relationship aspect of blogging. So why should I blog? Why not just delete the blog and call it an interesting experiemnt? Well, maybe I'll want to read my blog for myself. I don't keep a journal. I'm a terrible letter writer. Yet, I like to have someplace to put my thoughts in writing. Maybe that's enough. I'll need to think on it.