Cushioned Routine

Before I wrote about pinpointing my difficulty with handling exceptions to my routine, I looked carefully at my routine and found it to be "good enough." I gauge my routine by simple standards.

Does it reflect our goals, both short-term and long-term? As a Catholic family, our ultimate goal is clear; our eyes are fixed on heaven. All of our little goals need to point us there. Our routine needs to point us there. For us, it needs to be structured enough to encourage our highest values and priorities and it needs to be flexible enough to handle God's surprises and tests.
Does it reflect our values and priorities? Fortunately, our values and priorities have remained steady for years. We teased them out over several years before we returned to the Faith then refined, and continue to refine, them within the Faith. Here is how I wrote about our priorities in 2006 and later that year.

Is it proportionate? This is often where our family needs to make adjustments. As a home educating family, there is always the temptation to make home educating more than it needs to be. The perfect math program? Doesn't exist, although Math-U-See is good enough. The perfect Advent preparation? Doesn't happen, although tried and true traditions help. The perfect craft? Now THAT would be a miracle in this house! Field trips galore? Once a month, or less, is doable. Child doesn't "get it?" Time is on our side. Spiritual experiences? Over-rated, we just need to stick with the Little Way. We know we need to keep it simple. Master skills, such as math, playing music, and foreign language, through regular practice. Build broad knowledge through story, discussion, and experience. Read books. Listen to music. Play CDs while driving. Go outside and pay attention to nature.

Is it clearly communicated? It needs to be written down, continually updated, and placed in an accessible place for reference.

Is it flexible and does it provide an ample cushion to absorb the unexpected and unplanned? For example, my waking time is between 6:00 and 8:00 a.m., depending on if I slept well the night before. If I'm up all night with a vomiting child, then I can rise at 8:00 a.m. and not panic that I didn't rise at 6:00 and lost two productive hours. We have "quiet alone" time most afternoons from ~2:00 - 4:00. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings have no ongoing commitments. Sundays are for rest, Mass, and enjoyable family time. These times can be used to absorb the unexpected yet we need to take care not to choose to put too much into these times.

Here's our current schedule:

Discipline During Exceptions

After I read, A Mother's Rule of Life, I wondered about personal discipline and exceptions to the rule. It does take discipline to set up a rule and to live it day in and day out. Yet, does this mean that when exceptions to the rule happen, it necessarily shows a lack of discipline? Or is there a way to grow in personal discipline through exceptions?

When I look at how I spend my time, it falls into three categories; my routine, exceptions to my routine, and crisis. Regardless of how strict or fluid my routine is, there will always be exceptions and crisis. In order for me to avoid being vulnerable to undo surprise, resentment, and anxiety in reaction to these events, it makes sense and brings me peace to have a plan for the unplanned.

I need to have a routine that has enough cushion to absorb exceptional events. Whether my current routine is fabulously fluid or necessarily connected to the clock, I need to have spaces that are down-time or readily able to catch unplanned events. Currently, most of our afternoons are loose, as are Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings, and Sundays.

I need to keep track of exceptional events. I can't let myself move mindlessly from one event to the next. I can't just check the chaos off of my calendar or to-do list and call it a day. Just because I've managed to make it through a doctor's appointment, phone call from my loved one, and teen heart-to-heart, all in one day happily, doesn't mean that I haven't expended energy that will need to be replenished.

I need to know how many exceptional events I can tolerate within a day and week. Currently, I can handle up to three exceptions to my day. If I hit four or more, my energy is depleted to the point where I am unable to be the woman I know God wants me to be. I become edgy, short-tempered, quick to direct and correct, weepy, defeated, and worse.

Exceptional events that I control, I need to schedule them patiently over time. When I have a list of exceptional things to be done, like getting a new air conditioner, fixing the garage door, and hiring a pest control company, my inclination is to do it all as quickly as possible to get it off my list. Wrong. I need to look at my week and plug in one per week, max. This means that it will take weeks, perhaps months, for me to get around to fixing my ice machine, sigh.

Exceptional events that I don't control, I need to accept. Sounds simple but boy do I fight this one. I get stuck in wishing they didn't need to happen, like the many medical appointments connected with an 8 year old's broken nose.

I need to communicate to my loved ones when I am getting close to my limit. Fortunately, my children are not overwhelmed. It is understandable that they don't see all of the exceptional events in my day and don't understand how they can overwhelm me. My husband has a very full and demanding job which keeps him from knowing the tedious details of the stressors in my day to day work. It is up to me to let them know, before I am completely overwhelmed, that exceptional events are piling up for me. I can tell my children to not ask for any exception to our routine today because we've already had three. I can tell my husband that I need to not make a decision about purchasing a vehicle today because I've already had to deal with four exceptional events today.

To this end, I have a nifty pipe cleaner and bead tally system that has served me well. In the above picture, you can see it located on our family message board. Below is a close-up.



Starting on Sunday, all of my beads are on the left side. As the day proceeds, I keep track of exceptions (remember, these can be awful or lovely events, but they weren't planned or happen irregularly.) I leave a space between each day of the week. The example above shows that I had a pretty rough Sunday, with four difficulties. This let the whole family know to go easy on me this week because Sundays are normally my big rest and renew day. Ideally, I won't have over twenty beads per week.

Want some examples of what "gets a bead" from me?...

Long distance phone call from a friend (lovely)
Two-year old vomiting (blech)
Purchase a new vehicle (big decision)
Mother and father arrive for their winter stay (yea!)
Child is caught in a big mistake (discouraging)
Air conditioner takes two days to install instead of one (oh bother)
Medical appointments for son's broken nose (good news at least!)
Sleepless night with two-year old (poor guy)
Get blinds installed (a week early...good once it was over)
Difficulty at Mass (sometimes irreverence just gets to me)
Grief (suprised by when and how much I need to stop and remember my loss)

The beads are a concrete and simple way to help me and my loved ones *see* where I'm at. They are beginning to understand that even when something wonderful in their eyes happens, it may still take energy from me. They are better able to see that just because I'm smiling and putting up a good front, doesn't mean that I'm not taxed. The beads have also given us a verbal short-hand. All I have to say is, "That's a bead," when an exception to our routine happens. I appreciate anything that discourages me from monologuing! We can also describe the dynamic of one difficulty snowballing into another by calling it, "double beading." This means that if I get on the phone with a friend who needs to talk, the children are to continue with their work. If they don't, that's another bead because we hadn't planned for them to not do work. Double-beading is when the beads really start to add up.

For me, it takes discipline to handle exceptions to my routine well. Knowing that I am growing in discipline through exceptions helps me to see them as a purposeful part of my vocation. Plus, the beads and pipe cleaner sorta make me look crafty:).